I think most of us recognize that we don’t always notice harmful patterns in our lives, those things we do that can hurt us and the ones we love. My father worked hard to provide for his family, but his inability to stop smoking cigarettes not only put his family’s health at risk, but it caused a financial burden. His habit was a harmful pattern that caused unintended side effects.
There are also habits in marriage that can develop as harmful patterns from time to time If they aren’t called out and dealt with, it can become very difficult to fix the effects that result. The bible has lots to say about harmful patterns because God wanted to provide us with clarity on what we should and shouldn’t be doing.
In the same way He tells us to love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other (Romans 12:10), He also describes a number of harmful habits that can destroy relationships.
These unhealthy habits are warning signs we need to recognize. Some of these are found in Ephesians 4:25-32 and you’ll notice that they all affect relationships. The text also tells us why we shouldn’t do these things but let’s consider each one for a moment.
25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. 26 And "don't sin by letting anger control you."* Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil. 28 If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. 29 Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. 30 And do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own,* guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Let’s briefly look at these in the order of the text.
The passage begins by telling us to stop lying. Telling lies is simply dishonest. A friend told me years ago that a half truth is a whole lie. I’m afraid that is something we all struggle with – altering the truth to downplay a situation or avoid conflict. The technical term is situational ethics, which is meant to describe how our ethics and moral compass respond in a certain situation.
There are the obvious, big lies but then there are the ones that we think are insignificant “because they don’t harm anyone”. This may be true but we need to consider if we have a pattern of stretching the truth.
We then move to anger. Notice the passage says don’t sin by letting anger control you. Other translations translate this verse as “be angry and do not sin” – meaning that anger has a place in our lives. We can be angry about the way society is changing or if someone has taken advantage of another, but being angry to the point where it’s out of control and directed harshly at someone we love is never the right kind of anger.
Stealing is mentioned next. Again, there is the obvious meaning we all understand when we hear the word, but there are other forms of stealing. Sometimes we steal the reputation of another person by taking credit for their work or their influence in our life. We steal when we’re not generous with the time, talent and treasure God’s given us because we treat them like they belong to us. We need to remember 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “What do you have that you did not receive?”
We’re then told in verses 29-31 to not use foul or abusive language and to let everything we say be helpful. Even more so, there is a specific list of behaviors mentioned – bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
Jesus said “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). He said that to get to the bottom line of why our words are sometimes disrespectful, critical or even abusive. This is because words reflect the condition of our heart – how we’re really doing on the inside.
When you talk under your breath at your spouse, roll your eyes, reply with sarcasm or keep interrupting them – these are all signs that you are not seeing the other person through the lens of God’s word.
Notice now this passage ends in verse 32 - Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
This is the ultimate answer to all of it – when you know how much you’ve been forgiven, you’ll change and your life will begin to improve, beginning with how you speak and respond.
Take a moment to search your heart, and ask yourself if you have any bad habits that are hurting your marriage. Then go to God, and your spouse to ask forgiveness. His Spirit will help you change, if you simply obey.