Would your life be simpler if people said what they meant the first time they asked you a question or made a statement? I think one of the main contributors to communication problems in marriage is the lack of saying what you mean. We use sarcasm, silence, body language and different question techniques to try and get a response or make a point.
Do you know how many questions you ask each day? It is estimated that people ask between 150 - 400 questions each day, whether they're talking to themselves or to someone else. Questions and decisions seem to be two sides of the same coin. Many of the questions we ask are because we want to get to a decision. In marriage, the art of asking questions, is something that is overlooked completely. After all, why do we need to be so bothered with how we're asking a question?
Let's start with asking if you know what type of question style you prefer? Do you typically ask open or closed questions - ones that require a single word response like yes or maybe? I suppose many of us communicate that way daily - it's an easy way to get to an answer or decision and we don't really give it much thought. We use open and closed questions as the most common form of communication in our relationships.
There are some couples who prefer to ask questions that are probing - these involve inserting words into the question that require the other person to provide details. An example would be - "What exactly did you mean by that?" If you try to respond to this like it's an open or closed question you're likely to increase the level of probing! Probing questions are necessary at times because more information or understanding is needed but unfortunately sometimes we interpret them as nagging. Let's face it, some of us don't like to be asked too many questions about any one thing but that doesn't mean the other person is nagging us. We need to pause and understand their motive before rushing to judgment.
So now that you're feeling like an expert in question techniques, let me get to the two styles that I believe can be the hardest to work around in marriage. Please notice I said "work around" - I'm not saying these styles are wrong but I am saying that the way you ask a question or communicate can make it difficult for the other person to know what you mean, which means you both have to learn how to work around it so that you can improve the way you talk to one another.
The first is my wife's favorite - leading questions. She'll tell you she prefers this because she is such a good salesperson. While I agree she's a good salesperson (she did convince me to marry her), I'm not sure that this style is always helpful.
Leading questions are designed to lead the other person to the answer you want or you're way of thinking. Here is an example from a typical day in our marriage:
Wife - Honey, do you think it would be faster to go this way?
Me - I'm not sure, I think we might want to go that way.
Wife - I think we should go this way.
Me - But you just asked me which way to go?
Wife - I know, but I think this way will be faster.
Me - Why didn't you just say that?
Wife - I just did
Me - AHHHH!!!
I love my wife and in the spirit of 1 Peter 3:7, learning to understand your wife means learning to interpret how she communicates. To be transparent, this is something we still work on. I'm no gem either and sometimes I catch myself asking leading questions. It takes time to adapt to a person's communication style and we've learned to talk about it and work on improving it together.
The last style is in the form of a statement. It is meant to solicit the response you want but instead of asking a question, you make a statement. I call these the "Stealth Statements" - things we say to each other that are meant for us to figure out what we really mean.
One of us might say "It's hot in here" - which is a way of saying, go open a window
Or "the laundry machine went off" or "the trash is full" - which means can you go deal with it. For me it would be better if my wife asks me to please get the laundry or empty the trash.
I think you get what this style is about. One question you can ask each other is whether your form of asking questions is helpful. My wife is comfortable with leading questions and stealth statements while I'm comfortable with just saying what's on my mind. Together we are working on interpreting each other's intent without reading too much into it.
How we talk is as important as what we say.