In the immortal words of that great theologian, John Wayne - “You're short on ears and long on mouth.”

 

Communication is such a vast topic. Where do you start? In this session we will look at a set of Scripture references that are vital to becoming a great communicator in life and especially in marriage.

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That said, one of the most challenging aspects that couples face on this topic is that one or both of them are poor listeners. Did you ever notice that the words listen and silent contain the same letters? Do you think that is an accident? Proverbs 8:34 says that "Joyful are those who listen to me, watching for me daily at my gates, waiting for me outside my home". 

 

The Hebrew word for listen (sama) in this verse means to hear with the idea of obeying or proceeding to do something that shows you heard and understood what was said. It is what the world terms "active listening". In fact there are over 700 uses of the words for active listening in Scripture.

 

We have another good example of this term being used in the New Testament. James 1:23-25 tells us: "For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it".

In marriage we often want to know that we are being listened to, not only heard. The world of psychology has a well known set of stats on communication. Past research has shown that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and 7% is the actual words spoken. There is likely some truth in that although situations vary. While our tone is important and the words we speak vital, the best path to improving communication is to become an active listener. 

 

This means you go beyond hearing your spouse's words. Active listening creates an environment where the other person feels that you understand them. Think of it as more like a pitcher and catcher throwing the ball back and forth and less like a tennis match which is about scoring the point. 

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Getting back to words for a moment - the passages you'll read touch on the importance of what we say, the source from which the words flow and the effect they have. It's hard to take back something you said that was mean and hurtful. We all want to forget but usually the most we can do is forgive and tell ourselves we don't remember. I do believe we can genuinely forgive and move on but completely forgetting what was said is another matter.

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The practice of communication in marriage will likely mean that you never reach an end state. Even with all the varied temperaments and styles people have - some quiet, some loud - the process of becoming a better, more effective communicator is long and requires perseverance.

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Ultimately, what you are trying to create in your home is a safe environment where both of you can talk openly and lovingly. An environment that allows both of you to speak without being interrupted, freedom to share the things that hurt without getting a reaction and to remember there are always three of you in the conversation.

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The unwillingness to change results in a number of behaviors that will cripple your relationship, including:

• You want to see everything from your perspective, your spouse's view isn't as important

• You convince yourself that your spouse doesn’t care and you're the victim

• You react to things they say by harboring resentment and blowing up at them later

• You allow small disagreements to turn into major fights - because you need to be right

• You censor your words or put another way - you walk on eggshells

• You lack transparency in your actions - suddenly you justify lying in small, subtle ways

• You make assumptions and presumptions about the other person because you won't talk openly

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Remember this:

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Your relationship with God, the power of the Holy spirit and the life-giving and healing effect of His word can solve any challenge in your life, especially as it relates to bridging a communication gap in your marriage. Your language and behavior will change because your heart will transform as you put the principles into practice.